Time

I always knew that time can change things. 

Over time your feelings towards someone can change.
Over time your looks can change, your boobs start to succumb to gravity, your hair colour changes etc
Over time your perspective on the world changes
Over time you health changes and continuinly changes
Over time you talents grown or get forgotten about
Over time you realise you have a biological clock.

From as far back as I can remember I have always, always wanted to have my own child.  I was desperate to have my own child.  To give birth, to hold my child in my arms, to love someone unconditionally.  I wanted that.  I have always wanted that.  Then something inside me changed.  I went up to Durham this last weekend and while I was there I met a friends son, he was six months old.  I got to hold him, feed him, burp him and soothed him as he went to sleep.  I enjoyed it, in fact I  revelled in it.  People were amazed that I could put someone else's child to sleep like I put this little'un.  I found however I didn't enjoy it like I use to.  In fact I felt relieved when I got to hand him back.  That's when I realised.  I'm not sure I want a child of my own any more.  I love children,  I love babies.  I love playing with them, seeing them smile, cuddling them, but only for a short period of time.  A few hours tops.  I couldn't do it all day every day, I really couldn't.  And then the teenage years hit.  I just couldn't do it, I know I couldn't.  So I think I'm going to be one of those people who will be childless and enjoy it.  I just don't see me as a mother, as a parent.  I just don't want it any more. 

So what changed?  I was so adamant that I was going to be a mother, and I was looking forward to the day that finally came.  It's one of the things I have held on to all these years, through the dark times in my life, to give me the courage and the hope that things would get better.  Now I don't want that it changes a lot for me.  I no longer feel the pressure of getting a partner, but what I'm worried about, what I'm really worried about, is when things get really bad what do I hold on to.  For all these years I have held on to the fact that I would one day become a mother and rejoiced that one day I would become a mother.  Now... now I don't know what there is for me.

I also come to realise something something else over the weekend.  One of the things I've struggled with over the years is what's my place. What is my purpose on the earth.  God created everyone for a reason, and if you listen you will find that reason, you will find that purpose and you will fill complete because you are following the path that God created for you.  I've never felt that though.  I have never felt complete.  I always thought that would  come when I become a mother.  That's off the cards now.  How ever talking with people over the weekend I discovered that no one felt complete 100%.  There was always something missing, this was comforting.  However I did note that most people were about 80% comfortable and content with their life.  I'm at about 10%.

I've got to find something to hold on to, I'm just not sure what that is. 

tags: feelings  personal  life