I'm not what you think I am
- 4 yrs 22 wks 5 days old
- Updated: 6 Oct 2008
- 839 entries
- 1,334 comments
Make me money
Fathers
posted Sat 09 Sep 06
A child can grown up lucky enough to know their fathers and have a relationship with them.
A child can grow up know off their fathers but the fates take them away early so you only live with memories or with the memories of others.
And then come the rest.
A child who never knew their father, and with a family who never wanted to talk about him, or if they did there was never anything pleasant to say.
A child who grows up never knowing their father will either grows up hating and resenting him or have the grand illusions that one day they will meet and to begin with there is anger but eventually there is the relationship and the healing.
A child who never knew the father will have dreams of meeting, dreams of scenarios where they can get their own back, where they can scream and shout where the father can hurt like they do. A hurt that is so deep and so part of them they don’t even realise it exists most of the time. It’s just so part of them part of who they have come to be.
A child who watches another person with a relationship with their father can be the hardest thing to watch. There is a pang of resentment, anger and negative feelings that words can not describe. The day dreams that happen at these times can be ones of anger and talking it out on the father or they are ones where they two have a relationship.
A child who never knew their father blames part of themselves for the failure of the father not staying especially if he stayed for the family he had before. Sometimes, to the horror of the child, blames the rest of the family, but somehow never really blames the father, even though the blame is rightly his and his alone. “Was I not good enough?” “Was I not pretty enough?” “Was I not the right child for him” “Was he not interested in having a child?” “Was I unlovable?” “Am I completely unlovable?”. Unanswerable questions going around and around but can never be answered until the day when they meet again. A day that sometimes pre-occupies the child’s dreams and thoughts.
Then it happens, there is contact but it’s too late. He’s six feet under and no one knew. Neither the head nor the heart can cope, so the child cuts off all feelings, all thoughts, drown in other thoughts, other feelings anything than think about the father.
The pain is not his to own, the father has no control over the child, the father can not interfere and yet he is there is the darkness where he’s always been waiting to come forward, to take over. The child doesn’t want that, doesn’t need that but still the father is there.
write to me, don't be frightened... I don't bite....much!
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